I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
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Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White