The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Pregnant – Beyonce
Pregnant with twins – Beytwice
Fear is temporary, laundry is forever
“Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now”
“Emo? Nah yo, EMU”
*A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt*
“Hi confused, Im Dad”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here