@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

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@corinnemlwsw

The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.

@GorillaNipples1

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

@dannylonglegs99

“Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now”
“Emo? Nah yo, EMU”
“Im confused..”
*A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt*
“Hi confused, Im Dad”

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

@ChicksRule

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

@YourMomsucksTho

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

@fro_vo

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

@MNateShyamalan

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here