I hate that I can’t go anywhere for the holidays, unlike previous years where I hated having to go somewhere for the holidays.

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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom


The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.


With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.


If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.


Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭


Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.


ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.


I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”