I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Good Morning.