I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*


Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.


My son just handed me a note while I was talking on the phone that read “gossip=sin” so anyways I just got owned by a 15 year old.


Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister’s parents felt.


“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir


Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”


Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.


Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.


[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs