@MelissatheDuffy

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

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@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@joci2203

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

@broken_rhi

My son just handed me a note while I was talking on the phone that read “gossip=sin” so anyways I just got owned by a 15 year old.

@Sassafrantz

Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister’s parents felt.

@OtherDanOBrien

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

@ADHDeanASL

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

@Rollinintheseat

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

@VibesBummer

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs