has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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Autocorrect completely socks
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I love wikipedia
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.