@queenjoheen

I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders

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@ramblinma

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

@bourgeoisalien

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

@blade_funner

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@TheRealPalMal

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

@realHamOnWry

I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.

@erichwithach

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

@EdgarAllanLo

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

@nsterdan

True embarrassment lies within your first email address