@Contwixt

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

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@FattMernandez

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

@vangobot

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

@Kimpulses

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

@robin_991

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

@shwebby2

Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”

@ericonederful

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

@thestlouisan

I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@LeftAtLondon

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”