Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.
Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”