Get in loser we’re going crying
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Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.