I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
You sure about that?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: