I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered