@treydayway

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

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@Peauxtassium

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

@Hobo_Splendido

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”

Sleeping

“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change

@WestofCrazy

What is “Fine”

I’ll take passive-aggressive responses for $800, Alex…

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

@msdanifernandez

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

@eTHEgoddess

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

@ArfMeasures

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

@3sunzzz

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time