I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.