I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Most fashion shows these days…
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Story of my life…..
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.