You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
this will hang in the louvre one day
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?