I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You Might Also Like
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday