@GrantTanaka

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

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@KylePlantEmoji

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

@johnbiehl

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

@KenJennings

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

@ElizaBayne

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

@jimmytorosian

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

@Breadery

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

@HopeUproar

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

@cheers27402373

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.