Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
when nothing goes right… go left
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.