@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

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@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

@LaziestCanine

Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use

@unravelingfire

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet

@AndrewNadeau0

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

@dumbbeezie

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

@curlycomedy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”