I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
dutch is not a serious language
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right