ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”