I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
are they though??
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.