@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

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@pharmasean

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@ElKnuckelhombre

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.

@DeadLioness

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

@PatsATweetin

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

@L8yK8y

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

@SamGrittner

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]