What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.
The irony is not lost on me.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.
Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
just cold shoulders.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]