I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
You Might Also Like
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
how much for the angry fruit?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”