I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Story of my life…..
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Who knew!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.