I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm


If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”


The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.


My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.


this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds


ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please


*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*


I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.


Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”