I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.