I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.