@PrisonCookies

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

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@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

@fanofhell

Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar

@reallifemommy3

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

@TheBoydP

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

@ThisOneSayz

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

@pauljadam

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@WheelTod

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material