My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
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Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material