I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Velcrow