I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

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how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?


ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…


“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”



God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.


I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle


I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.


I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.


Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.


“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift