@El_nacho_Nigre

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

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@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@MaraWilson

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

@4ScoreN20Bowls

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

@ThugRaccoons

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@decimoXIV

“The dub isn’t that bad, try it you’ll like it”

The dub:

@ClickBaite

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

@Dank_Pal

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*