I hate to say "I told you so", so Im going to sing it.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

There is no “we” in pizza

“The dub isn’t that bad, try it you’ll like it”
The dub:

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”
~Bowling pins

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

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