@El_nacho_Nigre
@perlhack
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
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@perlhack
@thetobbie
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
@EricGoldie
Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.
@withanewname
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
@Smug_Lemur
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
@House_Feminist
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
@shawn_spree
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
@PinkCamoTO
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
@novicefather
Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.
@AaronFullerton
“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift