@FrazzleMyGimp: [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?

@RocketRankoon: You've won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you'll be a transgender time traveler.

@liamstack: (Overheard in Connecticut) “Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?” “Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@VodkaThursday: Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.

@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.