@thepunningman: [interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

@nealbrennan: "Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."

@KMoFlo_official: 6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?” Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but...that’s fine.” 6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

@iinkedZombie: [first date] HER: ask me anything.. ME: are you paying for dinner?

@E_lok44: Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.