@El_nacho_Nigre: I hate to say "I told you so", so Im going to sing it.
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@FrazzleMyGimp: [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?
@RocketRankoon: You've won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you'll be a transgender time traveler.
@liamstack: (Overheard in Connecticut) “Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?” “Maybe because the market has been going down?”
@VodkaThursday: Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.