@El_nacho_Nigre

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

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@perlhack

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@withanewname

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

@House_Feminist

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

@shawn_spree

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@novicefather

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.

@AaronFullerton

“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift