I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”