I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Received some very disappointing news today
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.