being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
How animals would run if they were human
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.