me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”