I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.