@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

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@Bahstonlady

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

@theevilwriter

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

@POTerritory

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

@HatfieldAnne

I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.

@DHCBerndtson

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

@mommajessiec

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

@iLikeCatShirts

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

@Dawn_M_

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.