I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Ghost costume 😂
The human personality is made of five key elements
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.