@TheTweetOfGod

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

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@LostFelicia

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

@marebytes

Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.

@PetrickSara

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

@sixfootcandy

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

@perlhack

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

@TheOfficialTed

Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.

@MariyaAlexander

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?