I hate what you’ve done with the place.

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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.


1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.


Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth


Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.


My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.


My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.


I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.


Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.


If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?