I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Good morning!
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.