I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.
Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.