I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.

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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex


My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”


Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.


“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants


me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up


[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts


[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?



My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.


Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating


I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.