@abuya_henry

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.

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@mattZillaaaa

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

@carlyken

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.

@TheCamJude

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

@stefabsky

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

@Ygrene

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@kashmir_lover1

Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating

@unravelingfire

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.