[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
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1. Divorce lawyers
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.