I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.