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@tiffaynay

Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.

@JohnLyonTweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@FuckabillyRex

I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.

@MarieLoerzel

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

@ArfMeasures

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

@daddydoubts

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

@TechnicallyRon

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

@shutupmikeginn

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.