[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor