Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.