I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
“you changed” bro i was 15
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”