Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.