I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution