i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

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Hang in there, people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases – we’re putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


Being self employed during a quarantine is so annoying….all my boss wants to do is nap, drink wine and watch The Real Housewives of whatever


[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then


[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS


[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.


“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”


A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank


*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*


Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!