“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.