I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Worth remembering.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Strange things: the prequel
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2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Batman v Dracula
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”