A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
normalize having existential bread
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal