God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole