I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay