@JermHimselfish

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

@thongbeard

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

@Whitnuts

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@yoyoha

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

@419BillE

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick