I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.

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“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”


Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes


I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.


I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents


If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.


Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.


me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on


i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.


When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.


I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it