@SaltyCorpse

I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.

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@dumbbeezie

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

@shutupmikeginn

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

@WakeVII

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

@murrman5

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

@FredTaming

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@NarisaTrammell

When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.

@TySmithdrums

I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it