@NotJPo

I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.

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@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

@PlainTravis

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@_Bluntsage

Satan: Have you decided to sell your soul?

Me: Not exactly.

S:Then why summon me if you’re not selling?

M: I would like to sell footmats that reads ‘welcome to hell’.

S:pfft!, I already got that.

M:OK, but are they Lego footmats?

S:Woah! Do you collect cash or credit?

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@DivorceDiva

I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

@GoldenSpirals

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

@UnFitz

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.