I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You Might Also Like
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
ugh not again
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.