I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.