I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

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Me: *finally deciding to be productive*



technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?


🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably


I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife


Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips


[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.


Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.


*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*


I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.