I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work