When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My time has come.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I only eat vegetarians.