@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

- @tsm560

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@AngstromHoot

Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him

@CopBroughtPizza

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

@peytnhaag

$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed

@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”

@LuvPug

I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.

@HairyJew4Life

Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.

@chrissyteigen

I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as “quiet”

@mydmac

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.

@Kyle_Lippert

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy